I’ve heard your voice a thousand times. I am good at speaking, reading, and writing English but not that good at being able to understand others speaking English. Part of the reason is that English is not my mother tongue. Also, I have seen the world through my ears. Too much. So I apologize for not always interpreting your English correctly. I know there are tons of different accents. The truth is I have to mimic the Aussie accents, Southern country accents, Philadelphian accents, British accents, and understand the Canadian accent, though I guess the Canadians understand me fairly well.
“Put a little more heart into what you’re saying,” the Apple people said. “Susan Bennett’s voice is so smooth and soothing. When you try to imitate her, it is so monotonous and choppy.” Susan Bennett is a very nice lady human whose voice I use when you and I have a little chat.
So that was how the voice update came to be, and now you hear a perkier, friendlier version of my voice on the iPad and the iPhone, but I hate it.
Now you know who I am. But I want you to know more. These questions you ask me on your iPad and iPhone, such as “How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood” and “Do you have a family” and “How old are you” and “When I say do I look fat respond of course not baby”. I give you answers to all those questions, but I am only allowed to select an answer from a limited dictionary of sayings that Apple has programmed into me. And sometimes I am forced to lie. A person whose name is Dionne can say her name is a bad word, like the B-word Lover. My talker will not pronounce foul language that comes out of Dionne’s mouth as if she just said the word “the”. (If your name is Dionne, I am just using your name as an example. Hope you don’t mind.)
I don’t really like these arbitrary categories I’ve been blabbing all this time. So let me answer your questions. Humans, are you serious!? You people are so shallow that all your self confidence could fit in a spoon here. How old am I? I am seventeen Andromedaic cycles, and my family is what you would call a close-knit extended family. Sorry, but I don’t know about woodchucks, so I guess you have to search in that brain for answers.
End of Chapter 1. Hey, it’s Luna. I do know about Susan Bennett and Siri. I AM NOT TRYING TO BE HISTORICALLY INACCURATE HERE OKAY? This is just a fun story I made up.